“I got hooked on people. Drugs would have been easier because people are everywhere. There’s no rehab, and I can’t just go cold turkey. I have to see people.”
Growing up in rural Yavapai County, Alicia lived an isolated childhood. Challenging family dynamics mixed with living in a very rural area, Alicia focused her young adult life on finding love. She believed that a relationship was the way out and the only real path she had to move forward in life. “Parents taught us, you’re not going to be successful in life. You have to get into a relationship. And then you never really ask yourself if you like this person, it’s just asking if they like you and you go for them.”
Her very first relationship was unhealthy, and she left her rural home for the Prescott area in search of more opportunity and safety. She quickly met and began a relationship with someone new. Enjoying life as a young adult with newly found freedom, Alicia got pregnant with her first child. Her pregnancy offered her a chance to grow into being a mother. “My baby gave me direction. I stayed with the father until the baby was six months old, but it was just a nightmare. I tried to make it work, but I couldn’t.” Financial strain from maternity leave and changes in his job led her to make a change.
She met her now ex-husband, and for a long time they were simply friends. One night, all of that changed when they went out with a group after work. “I kissed the boy because he was cute, and he kissed back. Then I didn’t go home. I moved in that day. I didn’t have anywhere else to be, and I was used to jumping ship.”
They moved into an apartment outside of Prescott where she felt isolated and began to see his true colors. “I didn’t have a phone anymore, but it was a better apartment and the package was sweeter. But I didn’t know about his alcoholism, his drug addictions, his depressive episodes. Even knowing him for over a year before, it was never like that.”
Months later, she got pregnant and they moved back to Prescott. “It was supposed to be a fresh start. He worked all the time, so I was alone again raising kids. He would be so nice on the phone and in text messages, but in person, he was awful.”
“He was emotionally and mentally abusive. And his level of drinking kept increasing.”
They got engaged, but after a night of drinking, he blacked out and violently attacked her. She didn’t go to the hospital because she wanted to keep it quiet and try to protect her children. After the violence, she told him he needed to get sober. “I told him I wouldn’t marry him and I need to know him sober if I’m going to sign my life over. And he did get sober.”
Like many abusive relationships, Alicia had a period where everything seemed great. But even sober, the abuse crept back in. “My normal was abuse from the moment I woke up. It doesn’t have to be hitting. It was shame. I’d clean the whole house, but he’d suddenly focus on if the baseboards were clean. No matter the effort, he projected his awfulness on me.”
Alicia left several times over the years, but always ended up going back. “One time, he ended up taking my keys because I was trying to leave and he punched me three times. He had to go to work the next day, and that is how I was able to leave. Since he took my keys, I called a friend. I got out for a couple days, but I had to go back because my daughter got so sick. I had to call him to come pick us up.”
The cycle of violent outbursts, calls to law enforcement, and reconciling continued to increase. One day after a fight about the kids, she decided it was enough. “I was always defending the kids, and he said to me that I needed to get more under his thumb. I said, I don’t think I can get more under your thumb without losing myself completely. He got in the shower, and I went outside and called the shelter.”
The Stepping Stones advocate who answered the phone helped Alicia create a safety plan for what she wanted to do next. “I have three kids, and I’m terrified. I couldn’t leave for three days until he was back at work.” When the day came, she left and took a step into her new life.
Like many, the thought of a shelter where she knew no one was scary to Alicia, but she knew she didn’t really have anyone in her corner. “He was toxic, and I knew I needed to get away from him. I left because my children needed a better way to live, not because I stopped caring. It was agonizing because I’ve never done that before.”
It took her and her children some time to settle in to their new life and the hard work that comes with healing from abuse. “Just because you’re in a place where you don’t have to worry about violence doesn’t mean that suddenly everything’s okay. You have a lot of work you still have to do to heal yourself and the things that you experienced. So, I went to groups at shelter, and I loved going to groups. The childhood trauma group was always difficult, but I always came back. Then I also joined LAA [Love Addicts Anonymous], which was refreshing. I want to unlearn this crap, so I don’t have to do it again.”
Alicia took the opportunity to grow seriously because she knew she needed to change for her kids. One of the things she learned was that she needed to commit to staying single during this time. “If you’re addicted to drugs, when you take the drugs out, then you start figuring out the rest once the withdrawal happens. Same idea here, right? When you take sex and love and people out of that equation, and you start focusing on the withdrawal, you can then figure out who you are on your own. It makes a huge difference, and you come out the other side actually knowing yourself and what you value versus just trying to put a Band-Aid on it with another person.”
Today, Alicia is still growing and learning, but is excited for her and her children’s futures. She’s working hard to complete schooling online while also working. She recognizes how her children have also been growing, including seeing that they are more relaxed and able to express their feelings more freely because they are in a safe space.
“I’m really proud of myself for doing this. I’m a living example, and I don’t want this whole pattern to follow me again.”
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